Realizing (Again) That It's Not About Me

The righteous man who walks in integrity 

and lives life in accord with his [godly] beliefs--

How blessed [happy and spiritually secure] 

are his children after him [who have his example to follow].

Proverbs 20:7 AMP

What is my life displaying to my kids?  What is my heart attitude teaching them?  Is it only joyful and trusting in times of ease, on the mountaintop, when all is well?

What about when plans don't work out? When the unexpected happens? When dreams get shelved or desires disintegrate right out of your hands and you can no longer grasp them? 

How do I as a person, but also as a parent, respond to suffering and trials when all that is in me wants to throw a temper tantrum and scream, "It's not fair, God!!!"?  Not only am I working through my own feelings, trying to respond the way God has been teaching me to respond; I have three precious sets of eyes observing and learning how to walk this Christian life partially through watching how their mother responds to God. No longer are these the eyes of little toddlers- they are the eyes of teens/young adults who are getting ready to venture out on their own and experience this Grand Story that God created them for...and I'm scared and excited and nervous for them.

The past several days the words, "The Story" or "His Story" have come up in things I've read, or that others have shared.  It has stopped me in my tracks (tracks of whining and self-pity) and God has reminded me that none of this is about me.  It's not about how I look to other people, how secure our jobs or finances are, or what happens to my dreams and plans.  God wrote His Story before the foundation of the world; He placed me in it and has a specific purpose for me for HIS GLORY.  As I have been letting that sink deeply into my spirit, I have begun to release the white-knuckled grasp I've had on my life.  Very gently, He is pulling back one finger at a time from the "thing" I am holding most tightly to- my dreams.  I don't like it. At the moment it feels like when that last finger is pulled away all that I have hoped for will disappear.  When did I allow this perspective to creep in?  Where is the faith that God has grown in my heart over the years, to trust Him fully, to embrace all that He allows in my life?

Then I realize that my children are watching their mom respond.  It is sobering. What are they learning about God and all of His absolute Sovereignty and Goodness and Love?  Am I living out what I know to be true about Him: that He never does anything to harm us; that we can ALWAYS trust what He is doing; and that the purpose is His Glory? Then I read this morning that according to Proverbs 20:7 my children reap the blessing of my godly example!

Once again, I am reminded that it's not about me. My prayer is becoming, "Not my will, but YOURS be done."  I am asking God for a humble spirit- a submissive heart. I want my children to see Jesus when they look at me, and I want them to want Jesus more than anything.